What it do;)

What is up ya'll;) Today is the last day for classes for the students. Tomorrow would be mine yet it will NOT be because I am working the Summer School shift at my main job. It's rainy and cloudy. Just the way I like it.

Yesterday I had to stay at work for a LONG ASS TIME because of a meeting regarding summer school. Didn't leave the job till after close to 5:30pm, never been at work that long before....wait yes I have. Any way it was definitely one for the books. Took the Bi-State and Metrolink to UMSL North and registered for a class to take this summer. So wish me luck. Finally getting back into school after this long ass hiatus.

So now I'll be juggling 2 jobs, school, and getting into a regular rhythm for exercising and getting back into shape. Talk about a full plate. Oh well, it's time to make it happen;) Pray for me;)

man what a week

Well today is Memorial Day and I'm up this morning chilling before helping my sister start a nice big fire in one of our B-Q pits. This past week has been something else. Of course you know what happened Wednesday. Well beyond that I've been just treating myself to little odds and ends. On Thursday I went to the mall and picked up a few things. Yet you know what was really freaky, a guy from Myspace I had met before contacted me. previous post on the prick http://msjazz79.blogspot.com/2006/11/somewhat-of-memorable-yesterday.html

Well he states that he will be in town and wanted to know if I wanted to get together. Needless to say that guy didn't get a response back. Well Then this past Friday, I was chilling and then met up with my girls (Mina and Danny) at their house. I stayed for about 30 min and then I had to run my mom her food from Cheesecake Factory. So we agreed to meet up at Cicero's to enjoy some food. I get up there around 10pm something-ish and we just relax and talk. Afterwards we say our goodbyes.

Saturday I had work from 10am to 6:30pm. Afterwards I was about to go straight home but I wanted to go to West County Mall and chilled out there till around 9:30pm it was raining like crazy by the time I left and I got home safe. Yesterday of course was Sunday and I had to work 2pm to close. AFterwards a few Best Buy people go together and went to Dave and Busters. Had a kick-ass time we rented out a party area and had some pool tables to ourselves. I beat Danielle in the first game we played. Then Danny and Tracy played a game and it was HILARIOUS. Never saw 2 people cheat at billards the way these two did. LOLOLOL

Of course we went to the gaming area and I played one game of basketball, then Dan (another coworker of ours) and myself went to play TIME CRISIS 4 and pretty much spent all our credits on that game. It was fun. Then we see other co-workers there as well and it became a pretty big crowd of us. Eventually we left there and went to the Casino. We then arrive there and I tell my friends I'm just gonna sit on a bench because I getting tired. Well after dozing off a couple of times I head back to my car and just sleep there. Then Danielle comes out about an hour later and I take her home and then head home myself.

Had a great Memorial weekend....so far. Also on an intersting note, my sis offically moving out on June 3rd, I know she has been looking forward to this for quite some time. I'm happy for her and hopefully soon it will be my turn.

Oh and apparently my mom and sis are actually putting some food together for Memorial Day. My sis is going to B-Q and my mom is getting other food together. I thought we werent doing anything. Shows how much I'm informed huh? HOPE YOU ALL HAVE A GREAT MEMORIALS DAY, besafe and god bless;)

closure

Well yesterday I had work, no surprise there. I still had not heard from Jeff regarding why he hadn't called me back from last night. So after work I go to Best Buy to pick out my new digital camera, a Sony HSC-H9. I chill out with Danielle for a while so we go to lunch at Ponderosa and talk. We get back to the store and I leave about 10 minutes later to head on back home. By this time it's about 5pm-ish and I head home still not hearing a word from Jeff. I had called my phone a few times and they went to voicemail. So then I thought to myself, well maybe he has his phone turned back on. So I had to track down his number in one of my old bills and tried it out. It worked. So you can imagine why is it that his phone works, mine is turned off, and the present bill on mine was not paid yet?

So I called and left a message. Called a few times after that and received no response. I then leave my room for a few minutes and realize I have a missed call. It was from him. I call him back and asked what the deal was and he stated something had come up. He states he has my phone ready and the rest of the money due to my mom and for my cellphone. I said I would be on my way, and get there within 20 minutes, he asked for me to pick him up a box of Grape Swishers, so I obliged.

I get there and he gives me the phone and the money to cover both for my phone and the rest due to my mom. I sit down to check out the phone and the battery is almost dead, which would explain why it went to voicemail earlier today. He's sitting on the floor uploading some CD's to his XBOX. We make some small talk and then he goes to his room, I realize his daughter is in there. So he comes out after a few minutes and I ask to go see her and he thinks for a few seconds and says yes.

So I go in the room and I see her stretched out on her belly and I call her name. She gets up and smiles and comes toward me. I pick her up and she gives me a hug. Her hair is in braids with beads on them and she just looked beautiful. We talked for a few minutes and then I heard Jeff come to the door and I told her to be good and have a goodnight. I put her back on the bed and left the room and sat back on the couch looking at pics of him and daughter.

Jeff then came out after me and sat back on my floor and asked me what's up. I couldn't talk immediately and then I finally said that I knew we had talked about not talking for a while as well as other things. Yet I felt that it was best for us not to talk anymore permanently. He asked me why and I told him how I felt. I felt that he knew that I still liked him and he even admitted that he knew as much. Yet he immediately became defensive and stated that this was my issue and not his problem. I told him that he should have been honest about the situation regarding other issues, yet he still didn't understand where I was coming from. He said more aggravating statements and all I could do was just look at the back of his head and think he was a real piece of work.

I realized at that moment that no matter how much I might love him, I could never be around him again. He had become my Achilles heel. I could never call him my friend at the least and honestly believe it anymore. I know that I have issues and even in his arguments I agreed up to a point. Yet the only thing worse than a person who has issues and can see them within themselves is a person that has their own faults, has yet to see them and can't take criticism when they are faced with them.

I scanned his apartment one last time. Then I got up from his couch and left. As I was going down the steps he slammed the door to his apartment and I slammed the door to his main entrance way. I got in my car and just zoned out as I made my way home.

Once I got home I powered up my phone and deleted everything from it that I could find. I even found some online album and ereased that as well. I turned the phone off and left it on the charger. I then played around with my new digital camera and then went to sleep.

I woke up around 3:45am and just chilled out in my room and I watched "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" A classic cartoon movie. Went back to sleep and then woke up around 5:30am. Then on TV, some movie with Madea (Tyler Perry) was on. For some reason I remembered a play I saw last Feb called "Madea goes to Jail". In it she states

Some people come into your life for a lifetime and some come for a season. You have to know which is which. I put everybody that comes into my life in the category of a tree. Some people are leaves on a tree. The wind blows, they go to the left. The wind blows from the other way, they go to the right. They are just unstable. You can't count on them for nothing. All they ever do is take from that tree.

What you need to understand about a leaf is that it has a season. It'll wither and die and blow away.There ain't no need to be praying over a leaf to be resurrected. When it's dead it's gone. Let it go! Some people are like that. All the leaf ever does is cool you off every now and then. If you're grown, you know what I'm talking about, because you can call them in the middle of the night and get cooled off. That's the leaf people. They come to take.

Then there are people like a branch. You got to be careful with branch people. They come in all different shapes and sizes. You never know how strong they will be in your life. So my advice is to tip out on it slowly. When you're going out on a limb, don't put too much weight on it at once, because it can fall and leave you high and dry. Sometimes, you have to wait for a branch to grow up before it can hold all of the things you want to share with it.

Finally, there are people who are like roots at the bottom of the tree. If you find yourself two or three people in your entire lifetime that are like the roots, then you are blessed. The roots don't care nothing about being seen. All they're there to do is hold that tree up, to make sure it stays in the air. It comes from the earth to give that tree everything it needs. That's what relationships should be about. That's what you need, people who want to be in your life for the right reasons.

If somebody wants to walk out of your life, you've got to LET THEM GO! When you learn to love yourself, you will end up giving standards to everyone around you. Again, I repeat with emphasis, if they don't meet those standards, you have to let them go, because they might be a leaf. And forgive them with all your might.

I know this time around there won't be a few months to a 5-year hiatus till the next time. I won't close my eyes and count the hours, days, months, and years. This time my eyes are wide open, I'm gonna raise my hands, smile and be free.

When a tiger shows it's true stripes

Yesterday I had work and called Jeff that morning to see if we were still on to meet up and for me to get my items. He answered and stated yea and everything should take about 2 seconds and be done with it. Yet I told him that I had more to say to him and he became quiet. He then asked what it was about and I told him that I didn’t want to get into detail while I was at my job. He asked me again and I told him it was in regards to what we had talked about the day before and what I wanted to say but didn’t.

He stated that we would still be on for our meeting up that evening around 6pm-7pm. I was at home chilling out until it was time for me to meet up with him. I texted a few times but didn’t get a response. So I decided get out the house and go to Best Buy to kill some time and then St. Louis Mills Mall. I called and left a voicemail and that whole evening I was just thinking what is wrong?

I know he’s not afraid of me so why would you back out of plans that you originally scheduled. I personally feel he is not good when it comes to personal confrontations, but then again who is? I guess it’s easier for him to settle things on the phone because it leaves up a wall for defense. Yet I wanted to be face to face so I could say my peace and we both part our ways.

To me now, him standing me up and not and least responding with a text message, shows me that he has changed alright, he's become worse.

That time......

It's amazing how the time flies when you wish for it to slow down and stop or at others just fast forward to the end. I guess you can figure out which way I want this to go right? I just want it to fast forward to 7pm, have my talk with Jeff and then relax with a bottle of Marco. My brain is just ready to unload all this crap that is just waiting to get out. I feel once this is over with, I will have a lighter head as well as heart.

this morning

This morning I woke up suddenly in a sweat about 1am and couldnt go back to sleep till about close to 4am. I sat up in my room at honestly thought about today and what I would be dealin with. As I type this, I'm obviously a tad bit sleepy but also nervous. As my previous post stated, I'll be bringing closure to a situation that has had an impact on me in such a way that I feel as though I need to step away. What is weird is that this won't be the first time that I've stepped away. Hell the first time was the longest of any of them. But that doesn't mean it won't hurt as much. Yet this time I need to let my feelings and voice be heard so when I step away this time, I won't have regrets.

graduation of me

Well, today was just another day. Tomorrow the high school I work at will have their Senior Graduation around 6pm. Even though I won't be attending, they know that I wish them nothing but the best. For myself, my own personal graduation is up and coming as well. The term graduation has many different meanings. For most it means to complete an academic exercise in which diplomas are conferred. For which I relate this term I call it more of completion of a program of study. For me, that study is just that, myself.

For quite sometime I've had deal with issues, both inner and external. These issues in one way are another have somewhat hindered me in becoming the person that I wish to be and see in myself. As I come to terms with whom I want to be, I understand that there are somethings that I need to let go of and stand back from whether it be temporarly or permantly. Somethings might be easy while others are understandly hard. Some people say, all the love you give to world doesn't mean shit unless you love yourself. And it especially isn't easy if all you feel as though all you give is taken without it being reciprocated.

As I go through my course of study and take care to pick the classes that will most benefit me throughout my life, I have already picked up one lesson. Learn to listen. Listen to what a person is saying to you even if you might not agree with them. I felt that I did that today with the 3 people that I spoke with. Yet I know the main thing I need to work on is my response especially on one conversation today, I hindered on it and wish I had handled it differently. Hopefully tomorrow I will and it will help me graduate into the person I wish to become.

When life gives you lemons

When life gives you lemons, they say make lemonade. Yet if life just seems to bring headaches, confusion, and turmoil…what the hell can you make out of that. Last night I went to the Galleria and just walked around. Went in a few shops but just pretty much was zoned out. Went to the movies that evening and saw 28 WEEKS LATER. It was pretty good and I enjoyed myself. I received a voicemail while I was in the movie theater but I didn’t have a signal to check it at the moment.

I checked it once I left the mall going towards my car and had a feeling I knew who it was coming from. My hunch was correct and the person and I talked for about 5 minutes tops. The mood of the conversation was just….cordial. We hadn’t talked in a while and he wondered why I hadn’t called as well as some other business between us. I gave my response at least on yesterday that he was supposed to call but he didn’t.

He then informed me that he was going out of town for a few days. We then said our goodbyes and I got in my car and made the trek home. As I was on the highway I kept thinking about all the things that I’ve had stirring in my mind over the past month regarding the person I was just on the phone with.

I guess for me there have been changes that have been happening on both ends. For me I’ve started to realize that brass can’t be cleaned and polished to be mistaken for gold. These past weeks/months, I’ve been going over and over in my mind about different events that have happened. Many issues have arisen where I knew I should have let bygones be bygones, cut my losses and set myself free. Yet it’s not easy when you love someone. Pure in simple. Yet it became easier for me, because of one incident.

There is nothing worse to feel when you care about someone and even when you are holding them, they are thinking about someone else. It cuts you like a knife. You can’t help who you love, and that goes for anyone. Yet one thing I will NOT be is a stand-in, a substitute, runner-up, or a consolation prize. To be any of those items means, I don’t have enough self-respect for myself and damn if it doesn’t hurt. For me I had to finally take a HUGE step back and look at myself and go back over all the different incidents that have criss crossed and shaped my life with this individual being involved.

We had our share of good times but it just seems to me in the past couple of months, I feel as though when I’m in his company, I’m there mainly for one thing which at one time I was cool with, we don’t talk like we used to unless it’s a rare moment. I feel he has this wall around him and there’s no door. Yet other people get to see a part of him that I’ve been shut out from.

I guess I’m just too tired to worry and care anymore. I’m a good person, fuck that I’m a WONDERFUL person. I deserve someone who will appreciate me, ALL of me. Mentally, Physically, and other things as well. I may not be perfect, I can only be me, so that’s why I’ve been distant to this person and I guess in a way I’ve been distant with a lot of people. Yet to some of the others I do apologize because they have been there when I have been at my lowest. I need to get back to being myself, the person who was HAPPY and SILLY all the time.



Not the person who breaks down in tears from a drop of a dime because she’s depressed.
Not the person who gets headaches because she can’t help but think about the negative things I her life.
Not the person who looks in the mirror and wonders where the years have gone.
Not the person who wonders if she will EVER find any peace.

I need to get back to the person that would hang out with her friends and call them up to see how they are doing, instead of them majority of the time having to call me.
I need to get back into doing active things with my life whether it is a walk around the neighborhood or some sports.
I need to get OUT and meet people and stop being such an introvert (of course easier said than done)
I need to get back to the person who will finish college and prove to herself that she’s not a failure and can finish what-ever she starts. Even if it does take over 10 years to do so.
Point blank, I need to get back to ME, I need to start doing ME, being happy with MYSELF, and saying FUCK the rest if you can’t put that in YOUR schedule.

when ya head hurts

My head had been hurting for a few weeks in regards to a certain situation. When I don't feel anymore can be done about it, I just have to write it off as a loss. Yet this particular situation isn't a thing, it's a person. I wrote more about this situation on my MYSPACE blog but made it private. So I'm debating if I want to put the info on this blog, yet I should right? I mean this is my main blog right here.

Yet sometimes I wonder if I should air all my laundry but for me it helps mentally so I can deal with the situation and it helps me move forward. Point blank when it comes to matter of the heart always think with your mind first. Because if you don't your heart will pay for it later.