When I was a little girl I can remember thinking when I grow up I wanted to be either a doctor or a lawyer. Hell maybe even being scientist because I was fascinated with how and why things happened. Back then I just KNEW that I was going to be somebody. Those dreams changed though when I went to high school. The bullying I went through in high school severely messed me up psychologically. Not to mention how I was treated by guys in high school as well. When I knew I was about to deal with an uncomfortable situation I would just shut down mentally and just go into myself.
I coped with my issues by having imaginary friends in my head. In some ways they were my alter egos of how I wish I could be. At first they were helpful to have around during high school. But then by college time it was uncontrollable. They were constantly around and I couldn't stop dealing with them in my head. It became severely worse if i wasn't talking with one of "them" then I would just daydream about my life and how I wish it could be. This issue has plagued even up until now. I've dealt with this issue for twenty years. I never could understand why I couldn't focus my thoughts for long periods of time. I feel like my "mind wondering" is constantly on and I can't make it stop. I've been to therapy and thought it would help and it did for a while.
This issue has effected me with finishing college. I have not found anything that I enjoy doing enough to make a career out of it and furthermore I don't feel confident that I would be smart enough to learn it. Last year I went to a community college near where I live and met with a counselor to see if she could help me. She suggested that I take the Myers Briggs Personality Test. This test consistent of a lot of questions that were suppose to help me in regards to learning about myself and what professions that might be more aligned with my personality. When I was done, I notified the counselor and she printed off my results. When she came back with my results I was a bit nervous. I don't know why really, maybe I was just hoping for an answer to fix my problems.
She informs me that the results of my testing stated that my Myers Briggs type indicator is: INFJ. Of course I look at her with a blank face and she starts to describe to me that this particular indicator is so rare that people who have taken the test only 1.6% of people have come back with that indicator being the result. Believe me when I say that I was not happy to hear this. She informs me that I'm not strange all and then we go over my paperwork which consists of three different reports.
1) Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Interpretive Report - This report goes into detail what an INFJ person is.
2) Strong Interest Inventory - This test informed me in detail that my highest occupational themes were - Artistic, Conventional, and Enterprising (ACE for short). Now this test was interesting because it stated my five top interest areas were:
- Performing Arts
- Visual Arts & Design
- Social Sciences
- Computers
- Athletics
My least interested areas were:
- Management
- Mechanics & Construction
- Mathematics
3) Myers-Briggs Type Indicator Career Report - This report gave me suggestions on occupations that I might be interested in.
So for the longest time I went over these reports hoping some light would go off in my head, but unfortunately it never happened. So I put the reports away for a while until yesterday. I dug them out and started to reread them again. I even went online to try to find more info.
As I was reading I came across a disorder that some people have dealt with that happen to be INFJ's. It is called Maladaptive Daydreaming aka Compulsive Fantasies. When I read the symptoms a light bulb definitely came on.
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| Myers Briggs Chart with the 16 possible outcomes |
So for the longest time I went over these reports hoping some light would go off in my head, but unfortunately it never happened. So I put the reports away for a while until yesterday. I dug them out and started to reread them again. I even went online to try to find more info.
As I was reading I came across a disorder that some people have dealt with that happen to be INFJ's. It is called Maladaptive Daydreaming aka Compulsive Fantasies. When I read the symptoms a light bulb definitely came on.
"It may start out as an imaginary friend or simple random daydreams brought on by loneliness, struggles, neglect, a trauma, abuse, anxiety, or other stress related events. It then begins to develop and grow into a more chronic form of daydreaming. It can also start later in life, but it generally begins in childhood.
Maladaptive Daydreamers may become so absorbed in their daydreams that they feel emotionally attached to the people, places, and relationships they've developed in their own minds. A few may even feel like their daydreams are more real to them than their real lives. But they never lose touch with the fact that it is in fact all fantasy. They haven't lost touch with reality. They don't believe the people, worlds, places in their daydreams are real. They don't ever get confused between fantasy and reality. They're very aware of the real life going on around them and that their fantasies are just that." Excerpt from Maladaptive Daydreaming - What is it.
For me my Maladaptive Daydreaming started after my bullying. It definitely has effected me in regards to how I deal in social settings. Which is probably why I am so used to being by myself psychically. I'm not ever really alone mentally. I don't date because I don't feel comfortable about my physical appearance. Which through my readings have found to also be another issue that MD's have on self esteem. I constantly am wishing I could be a stronger and more attractive version of myself.
I do feel that I do have an artistic side to myself. I love jewelry and wish I knew how to make my own or even how to crochet. I enjoy taking pictures, I like to write poetry from time to time, I've always enjoy makeup to the point that I had to stop buying it. I can put it on ok but I don't understand the techniques or applications. I love to write on my blog- yet I think I do that more because I feel that I have to get the things out that I have in my head. My thoughts are all mush, but once I see them out on the screen and able to read them, then I feel less agitated. I also don't feel as smart as I used to be. Sometimes in conversations I stutter, can't always hold eye contact, or will lose train of thought midway with an idea. I feel in ways I'm regressing instead of progressing. This issue has also had a negative impact on my weight and even with other personal issues in my life that I'm trying to correct.
When I used to be in college it was so hard for me focus. I would immediately go into daydream mode especially if it was a class I was not interested in and it had a large population. I've noticed for me smaller classrooms are more ideal. I honestly wonder if I ever will finish college. Hell if I'm even smart enough to do so. I fear failure. I feel that I am a failure. I only see success in my daydreams. At my age now I feel as though I should be at the prime of my life. I should have had a career that I enjoyed and been knowledgable about it.
I remember back in January I actually wrote a letter to one of ladies who bullied me back in high school and it was such a weight off of my mind and chest. Majority of my Maladaptive daydreaming for a long time was constantly reliving the bullying episodes. I would see what happened and then daydream about what I wish I had done. When I dealt with that issue, those dreams for the most part went away. Yet my others about what I wish I was and what I would like to see in myself still remain.
I think, hell I know that it is probably one of the reasons I haven't moved out. I wonder do I have what it takes to be on my own. What's not lost on me is that I know it takes hard work and dedication to master something whether it be a career or even a hobby. What I hate is that I feel as though I'm fighting my mind to take control of it when I want to focus on something.
I also worry endlessly about if I will be able to be successful enough to handle my parents' responsibilities when they pass on. I don't want to call them daydreams but they are issues that keeping nudging away at me. I just feel fucking useless. My parents and sister are amazing and intelligent people. I look at myself and can't help but feel broken inside.
So I went online this evening and found a group/forum that helps those with this issue and I went on Amazon and found a few books on the subject and I think I'm going to read this one called, An Introduction to Maladaptive Daydreaming by Pen White. From what I've read so far there isn't a cure for it but there might be helpful routines to re-train your mind and others suggestions recommend engaging in more social activities to keep your mind off of daydreaming.
It's ironic to me at times. Back when I was kid I used to think daydreaming would help me imagine where I could go with my life. The job possiblilites and what type of family I would have. Unfortunately I feel it has been the bane of my existence and I have yet to go anywhere or wonder if I ever will. Yet I have to hold on to some hope that I will get the best of this issue. Because if I can't learn to love and have confidence in myself, how in the hell can I expect anyone else.
Until the next episode....
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| Head in the clouds |
I do feel that I do have an artistic side to myself. I love jewelry and wish I knew how to make my own or even how to crochet. I enjoy taking pictures, I like to write poetry from time to time, I've always enjoy makeup to the point that I had to stop buying it. I can put it on ok but I don't understand the techniques or applications. I love to write on my blog- yet I think I do that more because I feel that I have to get the things out that I have in my head. My thoughts are all mush, but once I see them out on the screen and able to read them, then I feel less agitated. I also don't feel as smart as I used to be. Sometimes in conversations I stutter, can't always hold eye contact, or will lose train of thought midway with an idea. I feel in ways I'm regressing instead of progressing. This issue has also had a negative impact on my weight and even with other personal issues in my life that I'm trying to correct.
When I used to be in college it was so hard for me focus. I would immediately go into daydream mode especially if it was a class I was not interested in and it had a large population. I've noticed for me smaller classrooms are more ideal. I honestly wonder if I ever will finish college. Hell if I'm even smart enough to do so. I fear failure. I feel that I am a failure. I only see success in my daydreams. At my age now I feel as though I should be at the prime of my life. I should have had a career that I enjoyed and been knowledgable about it.
 |
I remember back in January I actually wrote a letter to one of ladies who bullied me back in high school and it was such a weight off of my mind and chest. Majority of my Maladaptive daydreaming for a long time was constantly reliving the bullying episodes. I would see what happened and then daydream about what I wish I had done. When I dealt with that issue, those dreams for the most part went away. Yet my others about what I wish I was and what I would like to see in myself still remain.
I think, hell I know that it is probably one of the reasons I haven't moved out. I wonder do I have what it takes to be on my own. What's not lost on me is that I know it takes hard work and dedication to master something whether it be a career or even a hobby. What I hate is that I feel as though I'm fighting my mind to take control of it when I want to focus on something.
I also worry endlessly about if I will be able to be successful enough to handle my parents' responsibilities when they pass on. I don't want to call them daydreams but they are issues that keeping nudging away at me. I just feel fucking useless. My parents and sister are amazing and intelligent people. I look at myself and can't help but feel broken inside.
So I went online this evening and found a group/forum that helps those with this issue and I went on Amazon and found a few books on the subject and I think I'm going to read this one called, An Introduction to Maladaptive Daydreaming by Pen White. From what I've read so far there isn't a cure for it but there might be helpful routines to re-train your mind and others suggestions recommend engaging in more social activities to keep your mind off of daydreaming.
It's ironic to me at times. Back when I was kid I used to think daydreaming would help me imagine where I could go with my life. The job possiblilites and what type of family I would have. Unfortunately I feel it has been the bane of my existence and I have yet to go anywhere or wonder if I ever will. Yet I have to hold on to some hope that I will get the best of this issue. Because if I can't learn to love and have confidence in myself, how in the hell can I expect anyone else.
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| Wish I could Daydream like this |
Until the next episode....
All That MsJazz
