So what is on the other side of fear? Safety, security, and just knowing that what was boring yesterday will be still boring the next day. Everyday I wake up and wonder what my life would have been like had I not gotten screwed up in my high school years. I'm currently 43 years old and I keep telling myself that it's not too late to reinvent myself. Yet I honestly wonder if I have the mental capacity to even bother trying. There are various demons I feel that I need to conquer but damn I wonder where to start.
I purchase so many self-help books with the intention of reading them but don't recall if I have even started reading one. I look at myself and wonder what is it that makes me happy. I realize that I unfortunately don't really know myself because I have been so busy reliving the trauma that happened to me back in my high school years. When I think of something that I might want to do that is outside the norm for me I feel a wave of doubt and fear. I instantly think that I can't do it. I think I'm not pretty enough to pursue other goals or smart to purse others.
Yet I am trying so hard to change. I'm back in school to finish my Associate's degree in Business Administration. More so to prove to myself that I can finish something that I started. Even if it's taken me over 20 years to complete it. Yet who knows what the heck I can do with it. I'm back in the gym working out. I've lost 30 pounds so far but I feel like I'm at a plateau. Yet I know deep down I haven't really given it 100% like I did at first. I think it's because I'm afraid of change. I'm so used to be ignored and written off due to my looks. I just blend in with the wallpaper I always have in my head what I would like to look like and whom I would like to be. I guess it's just being scared of change.
If I could redo my life I would have become an actress with a photography business on the side. Yep that would have been my life. I would have left Saint Louis, MO and just gone somewhere else new and started fresh.
I think the fear I have is that I feel that I'm too old to start fresh. It's hard to think that someone can revamp or renew themselves. Every time I look in the mirror I see someone else, the person I wanted to become. The person that I am is not what I had for myself. My mind refuses to accept it as reality, but I feel my reality is so hard to change.
Fear is so gripping to me that I feel that if I fail that I'll go off a cliff in ways. Yet when I do beat something I feel like I can conquer the fucking world. Perfect example, I'm 2 classes away from completing my Associates degree. I'm currently taking Business Statistics which I consider the Devil's math. Like honestly if this math was a physical entity I would kick it in the balls. I was so close to giving up on this class because I just couldn't understand it. I even went out to the Math Lab out at Meramec Community college only to find it had closed for the day. When I say my mind went to a dark place....it wasn't good. I honestly wanted to just withdraw and say fuck my degree. School isn't for everyone.
Yet I decided to go against my fear and go to the Forest Park Community College Math Lab on a Saturday and met an amazing woman who has been tutoring me for the past few months. She has been a lifesaver. If it hadn't been for her I would have given up and dropped the class. I'm learning that I can't do everything by myself. I'm so used to trying to figure out things for myself without asking for help. I feel weak if I ask for help but don't have any issue if anyone asks for mine.
My photography business is not where I want it to be. I have severe self doubt about my skills and what I really want it to really become. I'm always looking at other photographer websites and it just simply makes me feel inadequate at what I do. I've read videos and books on improving but it just doesn't seem to connect for me. This is mainly regarding my portrait photography.
Relationship wise the biggest thing I did was end a relationship with someone I cared for and made a priority but realized that I was only an option in there life. Closing that chapter has hurt but it has also brought blessings in other ways. I've learned that I need to work on myself if I want to be happy and not expect happiness to be supplied anyone else.
There are other things I want to improve on my life. It just seems like an endless list. Yet I fear just keeps gripping me and I have a hard time figuring how to let go and just say fuck it. Because what is on the other side of fear is not living. It's just surviving. I also know I need to let go of other people's expectations of me. I feel that has gripped me in a way for a very long time as well. I've always been worried about what people think. I know that has contributed to my fear as well.
I still hold out hope for myself, yet I realize it will take a lot more than hope to overcome my fears.
